I just want to be free.
I am a freak. I claim to not be dramatic, but I tend to gravitate towards it. No matter how hard I try, it finds me or I find it. I am malicious and vindictive when provoked, or I perceive I am provoked. I can be petty. I have never really gotten over or dealt with trauma from my past. I have seen my defects of character, but ignored them hoping they would just disappear. I wonder if in this blog and being completely honest, I will be finally set free. I care what people think, far more than I should. Even in writing this, I think, "What if someone I know reads this? Are they going to still want to be my friend?"
I am sad most of the time. It's a mixture of sadness and happiness. It is incredibly confusing to be both at the same time. Its as if there is this undertone of sadness that lingers no matter what happens. The sadness scares me because I don't understand it. I hurt myself, rather than hurt others. I don't see what others see in me. Because I wear a mask, I often feel like I am living a lie.
I feel alone. I have never really had a close friend, but that is all I have longed for. I haven't really let someone in past the walls, as much as I would like to pretend I have. I don't let people inside, because people have proven to me that they are not worthy of my trust. I lie to myself, pretend like I trust, but really I don't. I care more about my friends than they do about me, or that's what it feels like. There is only one friend, that I have right now, that I feel they want to put in as much effort as I do. I would do anything for my friends, but when I need them they are rarely there. I need better friends.
I feel like I am getting bad again. I am scared of spiraling. I am scared because I am starting to not talk again. I wish I could feel free.
